Tame the Beast – Insecurity

A battle field for the heart and emotions…insecurity. It plagued my life and the men I dated, so many times in the last 25 years and was the source of great angst too many times, often with disastrous consequences.

Insecurity is a feeling that can’t always be intellectualised and virtually never rationalised when in motion. The energy generated can be overpowering and when it blows the surface, an emotional eruption can be the result. I have experienced and seen many scenes of pain and conflict as a direct result of reactive behaviour from this emotion.

But what is insecurity exactly. Have you ever dissected it ? The English dictionary says :
“1 not confident or assured. 2 not firm or firmly fixed. 3 easily broken into; not protected”.

Yes, for me, it was definitely about lack of confidence. I have many times in public places, convinced myself that another more attractive and vivacious woman is going to capture the heart of my beloved, there and then.

Yes it’s about not being protected and here was my revelation only last year…..for me it’s about feeling UNSAFE. I discovered at the root of my insecurity was my lack of personal and emotional safety. Once educated, I came to understand that my father, god rest his soul, had been regularly exiting the marital home for many years because of his violent mood swings and so my experience as a very small child was “that is what men do”. My masculine role model did it. The result ? Wounding and a defensive coping mechanism of “run and hide” to try and stay safe. But deep in my inner child I had an aching longing for daddy to come and make me feel safe. He rarely did.

As I began to date, I carried with me the unconscious conditioning from childhood. When I felt unsafe with a boyfriend, I would put up a high emotional fortress and flee the scene if I thought I was going “to die” emotionally. As the insecurity kicked in, I would react before I had chance to control the bucking bronco surfacing. This only served to further isolate me from my man. They usually never understood and it was pointless trying to explain, because for years I didn’t understand what was at the root of it.

After reacting I would then shut down lines of communication and expect my man to run after me to make me feel safe again. He would have to try hard and sometimes it took days to recover me from the cave I had run into. A whopping big pattern of the same carried on for years and I felt helpless to stop it, because the lack of safety was literally terrifying. Sound familiar ?

The saying “you create what you fear” is the truest thing I ever heard. I did indeed create the same reaction of a man wanting to leave me because of my ingrained pattern. It was me and dad all over again, time after time.

To make it worse I was strongly drawn to the “player” type of men. Men, like dad, who represented “unsafe” and risky to my heart. You may think, why oh why Gina, would you deliberately choose men like your dad ? Why indeed, but you see, choosing this type of man was not a conscious choice but an unconscious one.  Our sub conscious mind is responsible for picking who we need for healing. It’s been proven that you will be most drawn to partners who represent the traits, particularly the negative ones, from our parents/caretakers. They wounded you and now you need to create the same scenarios in order to heal from childhood, with your partner.

Fascinating stuff that you would not know without education. Call me for more information on how to get fit for a conscious relationship.

Dealing with insecurity:

1) Firstly are you truly committed to your relationship ? I ask this because if you have a non-committal partner they will trigger your insecurity time after time. Think about this however. Non-committal partners are only a reflection of the non-committal elements in you. You get back what you give out ! It took me years and years to work this out. Are you really committing or are you waiting for your partner to first ? This won’t work. Be what you want first, every time.

2) Check out your partner. Are they at the right stage for a fully conscious relationship to help you heal ? Healing will only take place when you have a partner who is prepared to commit to working through the power struggles. It can be a tough road !

3) Communicate with your partner and tell them calmly and gently what you feel when insecurity arises and what sort of situations make it happen. The worst thing is the out of control reactions which generate hurtful words and then you have a tougher time resolving the issue. With awareness, your partner will then know your triggers and can help you as your feelings arise.

4) If you are out and you feel insecure, remove yourself from the scene for a few minutes if you can and DON’T react. Your surfacing feelings are yours to own and no-one else’s. Your partner is merely triggering the depths of your un-resolved past. Sit somewhere you can breathe deeply and try focusing on your breath not on the story in your mind about what is happening at the scene. This will only add fuel to your fire. The emotion WILL fade but be disciplined and vigilant.

5) Educate yourself about your past and find out where the root of your insecurity lies. What does it mean to you when you feel it ? Lack of safety, anger, feeling worthless ? This is ESSENTIAL and was the turning point in my life. Unless you know what you are doing and why, you will continue to become engaged in the story of you and it is only a story !

Communication is the key to creating conscious relationships. Good luck.

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Gina
Yoga teacher at Gina Hardy Yoga
I am a Yoga guide, relationship coach and therapist. I focus on teaching Yoga these days and love to teach in class, on retreat and in a 1:1 setting with clients. My motto for life is 'Live, Learn, Love, Pay it Foward' Pay your wisdom forward, tread lightly on this earth and leave footprints of love. Thank you, you are always loved no matter what. Gx

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