Singledom to Doubledom

 

OK so here you are single again, a recycled single perhaps, much like I was many times, or a virgin singleton charting unknown territory for the first time. Perhaps you have been dumped out of nowhere and are heartbroken at the sudden loss of love or perhaps you have extracted yourself from a really unhealthy relationship that made you say “thank Grace for that!” as you closed the door on it.

Whatever your single circumstances, thinking about finding another person to walk the love path with, can be really scary because the fear loss of opening your heart to love and then losing it again is almost unbearable. I really understand that place. It is terrifying. For some it brings exciting expectation with the promise of “maybe this time I’ll meet the one!” ringing heavily in your heart. Good on ya!

Singledom these days is considered to be fashionable and a preferred lifestyle for some, with casual dating being the preferred accessory and much less hassle for the heart. It’s easy to see and understand why. But I wonder if these periods, when boiled down, are just recuperation and regeneration stages on the way to the next “real thing”. Some of us take good and lengthy time off to fully smell the coffee and some of us put sticking tape over the wounds and with the aid of an emotional stick, stagger into the next relationship. Our quest as ever to love and be loved and approved of. Seems so simple but a whole industry of advice and help is now out there to assist us when we are wounded and broken and not finding happiness in love.

Harville Hendrix who wrote the book Keeping the Love You Find (for Singles) discussed the point that singledom is a moratorium period between stages of your true growth and healing. Relationships have a sole purpose of bringing up your deepest darkest stuff and then you have a choice. Look at it and let go of the past with the tender loving support of your partner, or not. But the “or not” choosers among you, depending on the degree, can find yourself missing that really amazing special and awesome ingredient in relationships, which is opening fully to the other person in total trust, truth and authenticity. It takes time, emotional investment and commitment to let go of what holds you back from love.

So with all this in mind, how do you step out there and get going again, let those well patrolled defence lines down and love like you have never been hurt?

The simple answer is there is no real “how to” because we are all unique in our approach to how we choose to open to love. From experience, time spent with someone, naturally leads you to a place of feeling that you are in love as you enjoy quality time talking, being intimate and sharing life stories and then naturally that leads to a deepening and an opening of which we are not really in control into our deeper darker caverns and a choice as to how we bring that into our relationship.

Most of our defence responses are programmed and conditioned from childhood and we will go on to do things the way we have always done them until the time comes where we REALLY want to change the record. I am saying this because I always intended to change and wanted so much to find a better way but until I really hit rock bottom 3 years ago when a significant relationship dissolved, I had no basis for true change.

So ask yourself do you REALLY REALLY want to change the way you find and have a relationship ? It took me over 20 years to find the courage to do it differently and as if by magic I have now found someone who I have been waiting for all my life.

All that said I am compelled to write what I believe are the ideas and choices you could make next time around. Take from this what makes sense to you.

  1. Make a commitment today to throw out the old love spectacles you are wearing and don some new ones!

  2. Stop looking for that special someone – it is one of the oldest but best pieces of advice I feel I can pass on and an age old saying passed on by our parents and those before them. Breaking it down, I believe that we never actually eradicate the feeling of wanting someone in our lives, because our Divine calling keeps us bound to seek love, but loosing the yearning that often makes us unhappy, can help. I was chained to wanting to find love until 3 years ago when I finally took myself in hand and thought, what is really going on in me? I educated myself with the loving help of Imago Relationships International through a very deep and revealing course and read all their books and for me it was a life/love changing moment. The time was right. My advice to you is…IF you want to truly understand yourself in love then get some help, save yourself more heartache. There is a whole heap of things that you could learn about relationships that you would not know by simply being in one. My door and heart are always open to listen and help. In the mean time go live life and fill it with hobbies, fitness or creations that mean something to you !

  3. Think about what you want from a new relationship. Depending on your age you may either be looking for a casual fling with no strings attached or a long term committed relationship with all the whistles and bells. Some of us start out thinking we want a casual fling and some fun but when the heart gets hooked all the same old feelings arise. So if you can handle it be sure that is what you want, not what you think the other person may want! Conscious relationships require both people to be ultimately committed to grow and heal beyond the past. The past shows up every time when we find the bravery to open to love and it can be a scary and tricky time for both people, therefore choosing someone who is willing to go the distance with you is really important. I can help you understand what a conscious relationship looks like.

  4. Julia my dear friend, this one is for you as you. Use oodles of discernment when you are out in life where the opportunities come up to meet someone. When you do meet a new honey, ask yourself, is what they are saying matching what I want for a new relationship? Please, I beg you, spend time finding out! LISTEN closely to what they are saying and don’t ignore potentially important information where they might be inferring that a long term relationship is not on their agenda right now! When you meet someone you like it’s easy to let the mind and body get carried away with a rush of lust chemicals. A natural part of the unconscious bonding process, but I have fallen foul of this many  times and then beaten myself up when the happy ending story doesn’t happen further down the line, because in the heady heights of the romantic stage I have missed the warning signs that this man isn’t ready for a long term relationship. Some of the warning signs can be:

  • A big age difference. Fun at the start and a big adrenaline rush, but big age gaps, more often than not, mean being in a totally different life position with one ready to settle and one not.

  • Meeting someone who has not long split from a long term relationship. In the main, confusion and rebound feelings get in the way and your new partner may well not have the ability to concentrate fully on this new relationship and that can be very painful for you if you let it run.

  • Their work/careers maybe at the very top of their list of values and having a relationship may not be a priority right now. If you consider your relationship to be number one or at least very high up on your list of values, this potential mis-match can and will cause problems as you get more involved and struggle to rank yourself higher up their list when in they did make it clear from the outset that most of their love is heading in the direction of work.

5.  Ladies be wary of guys who are all up for having great sex. If you want a long term relationship be careful how you offer yourself up. Getting guys to move up into their hearts away from their package is not always an easy path to navigate, especially in a new relationship. Again discerning and taking time to watch and listen are all key. Honour yourself and do what feels right for you.

6.  Once into the heady flush of a new relationship try and enjoy, let go and have courage to let happen whatever is coming day by day. As you grow deeper into your new partnership, stuff will come up that flicks some painful switches from the past. It happens to us all. My friend Michelle asked me “but how do I let the barriers down if I think I have met the ONE”. My answer to this would be slowly and with courage but with the full support and safety created by your new partner. If you have chosen to soak up the above advice and your new partner is saying and doing all the great things that give you the space to be you, then each time you hit a wall where you feel like protecting yourself, communicate it in a way that explains how you feel. You can then work together to find a way to have what you need from your partner. But it takes two! Freezing them out when they have said or done something to upset you only deepens your defences, makes you and them feel isolated and doesn’t allow what is truly bothering you to be heard and healed. Huge courage is needed to face yourself and your past in the relationship and it takes allot of time, energy, love and patience to help each other heal and grow. Always be there for each other and make it a priority as much as possible, to be accessible on the phone or in person, especially in times of discomfort. This way you will create and provide the much needed safety to allay both of your inner fears and past wounds. Providing safety to let it all out in the comfort of a secure relationship space is the best place to start the journey back to the real you. But remember it is always your choice as to how much you reveal and let go of. Better out than in though, is my motto!

Final thoughts…..I feel there is Divine order to who we will meet and how we will get a chance to look at ourselves in truth. I really believe that there are only two basic instinctual feelings/emotions, and they are love and fear. Our task is to clear our fear “blockages” in order to open and fill up with more love as we proceed through life. No relationship in life, more than our intimate ones, provide such ripe conditions to allow these blockages to clear, therefore it is, by its very nature, a delicate path. More reason then, as much as possible, to attract someone with the same goals and desires as you. To be real, authentic and to love no matter what.

Happy Halloween and a safe transition to November.

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Gina
Yoga teacher at Gina Hardy Yoga
I am a Yoga guide, relationship coach and therapist. I focus on teaching Yoga these days and love to teach in class, on retreat and in a 1:1 setting with clients. My motto for life is 'Live, Learn, Love, Pay it Foward' Pay your wisdom forward, tread lightly on this earth and leave footprints of love. Thank you, you are always loved no matter what. Gx

2 Responses to “Singledom to Doubledom

  • Wow Gina, great blog post. I know some people who will benefit from reading this so will pass it on 🙂 x

    • Hey Kirsty…thanks well having been single more than “double” I experienced the many flavours of going into another relationship. I often stumbled into the next one without too much thought!
      Gx

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